I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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