I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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