R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
