she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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