I must be too annoying 4 u.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I touched a dick in church today
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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