I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
