Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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