i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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