I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
