Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
