turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
