I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
