I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
