So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
