Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
