Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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