One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Randomize
