I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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