i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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