Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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