When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
