I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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