It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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