I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
