grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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