dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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