Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
