Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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