my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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