I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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