she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He shit in the fireplace
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
