Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
