Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
