I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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