i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
