So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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