I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize