if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
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