My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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