I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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