I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
