What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Randomize
