i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
