Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
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I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
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Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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