I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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