Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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