Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I need a beard to bite.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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