WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
