I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
