Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
