i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
