She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
