$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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