Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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