Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
And then he peed in my hair
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