You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
