The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
