You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
