Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
