I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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