haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
